A Heavy Fog
Do you know what it's like to feel like God is ignoring you? Like everyone else in your life is getting prayers answered, but He seems silent when it comes to your requests? I mean, the word says that right? Make your requests known unto God? So it’s no surprise to Him when we pray and ask for the desires of our heart. In fact, he already knows what we will ask for before we even ask. So he’s not caught off guard. He’s not upstairs all, “Well I wasn’t really expecting that one.” or “ Didn’t see that one coming.” I have a beautiful prayer journal I write all my prayers in. The first few prayers on the first few pages are prayers for myself. But mostly I use that book to write down the prayers and needs of others. Because I believe in actually praying for someone when you say “ I am praying for you.” I don’t just write it on Facebook walls because words have failed me in someone else’s time of need.
When I get an answer to prayer, I highlight it in my prayer book and I have highlighted a lot of those prayers. Rejoiced with those friends for babies, weddings, healing and more. Except there are the prayers I pray for myself, a few very big ones of mine. The biggest in particular being a husband, that has gone years without an answer.
I get so frustrated at times it makes me want to smash things. Like jars of marinara all over the kitchen floor because it feels good force something into motion and feel it shatter. Because I wouldn't have to worry about opening jars of marinara if I had a husband. Or I could just give up all together and become a recluse, because being around people with a fake smile on is way harder than it is to watch Grey’s reruns all day on Netflix.
I am tired of giving. I am tired of it being about everyone else. I would like, just once, for it to be about my answer to prayer. My rejoicing. My wedding.
Things are especially hard when others who have been praying for something in their life, way less time than I have, and I have to hear about how long and hard they prayed for it. And how God is just so faithful and they’re so blessed.
And I want to punch them in the literal face.
And then it gets really quiet. And I let God crawl into the dark spaces of my heart. The spaces where hurts go. Rejections go. Abandonments and embarrassments go. They live there, casting shadows on the wonderful parts of life, when I turn away from His face. When I refuse to let the light in. Because letting in the light exposes the truth. It reveals who we really are inside. What we are made of.
And there I realize, God has never been silent. He has always been there. He just tells me what I don’t want to hear.
The four letter word of Christianity. Like, Give. They’re the hard things because they make you go beyond yourself. Because it’s not about you and it never was. It’s about Jesus and who He is.
[su_pullquote]“Take this mountain weight. Take these ocean tears. Hold me through the trial. Come like hope again. Even when my strength is lost, I’ll praise you. Even when I have no song, I’ll praise you. Even when it’s hard to find the words, louder then I’ll sing your praise. I will only sing your praise.” -Hillsong United 'Even When It Hurts" [/su_pullquote]
I’ve never had a season of my life like this, spiritually. A season of weariness so thick, like a heavy fog. The kind where low beams are necessary for survival. A steady constant stream of light, to guide the path on which I travel. And that light is Jesus.
The only hope we have for survival in a time like this, when we are called to pray and wait. I am clinging to him so dearly, even when it hurts and it’s really hard and I want to give up. I want to walk away.
But it’s like a marriage, you see. The irony.
For better or worse. For richer or poorer. In sickness and in health.
I stay because He is my portion forever. My daily bread. My communion with Him during these times is vital to the survival of the relationship. It’s life or death.